Bill One Shots
by MikeJaffa
Summary: So it's May. 2016 and I've seen the trailer introducing the new companion. I know nothing about her, but it left an impression, so I came up with these two scenes. Is this how she will be written on the show? Time will tell.


TITLE: Bill One Shots

AUTHOR: MikeJaffa

SUBJECT/A-N: I know nothing about Bill except for what I have seen in the trailer introducing her; this could be miles off from the series. But she was unimpressed by Daleks, so my silly muse went nuts and spat out a couple of scenes.

PRONNUNCIATION GUIDE: "Liver" in "Liver birds" is pronounced "Leyever."

WARNING: Put down all food and drink before reading.

DISCLAIMER: Doctor Who is owned by the BBC. I am making no money off this.

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 **Scene 1: Thumb Fun**

"Well, Doctor," Davros said, "any last words? Oh, and…Bill, is it?...as a courtesy, any final thoughts?"

Davros and the supreme Dalek stood on the bridge of the Dalek flagship, facing the Doctor and his "new" companion, a dark haired girl named Bill, who were in the line of fire of a firing squad of Daleks.

The Doctor grimaced. "I have nothing more to say to you, Davros."

"Yes," Davros smirked. "And, um Bill?"

"Well," Bill said, "there is one thing I don't get, Dr. Davros: why a gun and a sucker?"

"Excuse me?" Davros asked.

"I get the gun," Bill went on. "But why a sucker?"

"It's not a sucker," Davros protested.

"It looks like a sucker."

"It's not a sucker! It is a highly sophisticated, multipurpose tool for physically manipulating the real world."

"In other words, a high tech sucker," Bill said. "You can pile all the functions into it you want, a sucker is still a sucker."

The Supreme Dalek glided over to Bill, seemingly offended. "Daleks are superior!" he thundered.

"Yeah?" Bill said. "Well, here's something I can do you'll never be able to do in a million years." She held out her hands and wiggled her thumbs. "Opposable thumbs, son! I got 'em and you don't. And they're the key to building a civilization, aren't they Doctor?"

The Doctor nodded. "Yes, Bill, they are."

Bill smiled. "Well, then, there you are. And you can shoot us, but it doesn't change the fact that instead of giving you the best thing evolution ever came up with, your genius dad gave you a sucker."

The Supreme Dalek stared at Bill. Then his head turret swiveled around, turning his stalk to Davros. "Creator? The humanoid raises a valid point."

"What?" Davros stammered. "Are you telling me…you can't…Now, look! You have no idea what I had to deal with—Doctor, you were there! You know what challenges I faced in the Kaled city. Between dwindling resources and narrow-minded political leaders, it's a wonder I got anything done at all!"

The Doctor shrugged. "Yeah, that is one way of looking at it."

Bill said, "Yeah, but you don't have those problems now, right? So why not give them proper hands?" She chuckled. "No offense but…I'm sorry, but honestly? They could do with a redo. I mean, the whole pepper pot thing looks ridic-"

"ENOUGH!" Davros screamed. "Your attempt at a delay will gain you nothing. This is the end for you and the Doctor! DALEKS! EXTEMINATE THEM!"

The Daleks didn't budged.

Davros was flummoxed. "What…did you hear what I said? Kill them! I order-"

"Creator," the Supreme Dalek interrupted, "statistically, the Doctor escapes these traps and foils our plans with a 100% success rate; there is no reason to believe he won't do so again, so we might as well cancel our operations and let them go. Doctor? You and your companion are free to go."

"What…?" Davros sputtered.

"This matter must be attended to, Creator."

Back in the Tardis, Bill waited until it was in flight before saying, "Out of curiosity, did you have a plan?"

"No," the Doctor said. "You saved us."

"I did? All right!"

"Uh-huh…Opposable thumbs. Bill, has it ever occurred to you there was a reason I never mentioned that to the Daleks before?"

Bill's smile fell. "Bad idea?"

"Very probably."

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 **Scene 2: Night of the Texting Buddies**

Bill frowned at the weeping angel in front of her, all feral and attacking with her arms extended. "I've seen this one before."

Next to Bill, their backs to the wall in a back alley where they'd been cornered in the middle of the night, the Doctor held his sonic screwdriver above his head, feeding power to the one flickering light bulb that held the two weeping angels at bay. "I'm sure they all look alike."

"How many of them have nose rings? Because mine has a nose ring."

The Doctor's eyes flicked to Bill's angel. Sure enough, there was a ring in one nostril. "So she does. That's new."

The light finally blinked, but when it came up, Bill's angel had her serene expression and was pointing at Bill.

Bill grinned. "Yeah, right, you do know me! So is that a real nose ring or part of you?" She frowned. "Or do I have to blink for you to talk?"

"They can't talk," the doctor growled….then remembered his angel. He turned back to her. His angel was covering her eyes but the way she held herself spoke of mild exasperation.

"Sorry," the doctor said. "She's new."

"Can't talk at all?" Bill said. "Can they sign or send text messages?"

"Text-? Don't be-"

A 'Bling!' sounded from Bill's jacket pocket. She fished out her cell phone and grinned. "She sent me a text message!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "They've accessed the telecommunications network. Wonderful."

Bill read the message and looked up. "So you're faking it? You ever think of going to a mason?"

'Bling!'

"Actually, yeah. There's this guy, does great work. He's like a sculptor and a stone mason all in one. And you wouldn't think you could do precision drilling in stone, but he can."

'Bling!'

"Oh, he's an old friend of mine. I'll just call in a favor."

'Bling!'

"Actually, he does. He does restoration work for all the local parishes. I mean the weather is just brutal for stonework. And the pollution. But you would know, right?"

'Bling!...Bling!'

"Oh, Liverpool, two or three years ago, a back alley down the road from a night club-"

'Bling!'

"Yeah, behind the Chinese restaurant! So that was you! See, Doctor, that was her. I thought you were looking at us. Scared the bujeezus out of me and wrecked my mood."

'Bling!'

"Oh, don't feel bad about it, Luv. I wasn't into him. I was looking for an excuse to call it a night."

'Bling!'

"What…Him!? Nooooo! I don't believe you. You're making that up!"

'Bling!'

Bill nodded. "Well, the Liver birds would know, wouldn't they? But how the hell did he get up there…?"

 **…three hours and four minutes later….**

"….I never thought of that. Thanks. I'll try that the next time I'm driving through Swindon." Bill turned to the Doctor. "Doc—where'd you get the cup of tea?"

The Doctor was sitting on a crate, sipping a cup of tea. His angel was standing next to him, her face obscured by the London Times; cigarette smoke wafted up from behind the paper.

The Doctor said, "I'm the Doctor. Just accept it. So can we return to the business at hand?"

"I guess…" Bill said, "but what was it all about, anyway?"

The Doctor opened his mouth, then frowned. "For the life of me, I can't remember."

"Oh, well, it wasn't important, then." She turned back to her angel. "So, I've always had a thing for old churches. Know any around here? Any local knowledge?"

'Bling!'

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 **Not The End…(although the Doctor wishes it were)**


End file.
